lauren's

and i live in a world smaller than anyone's
ugh. i don't know what happened -- well, yes i do -- but in any case i have suddenly been overwhelmed with lauren-is-not-neat-or-smart-or-skinny-enoughness. i want my house to be clean, and i want to get rid of all my extraneous crap (of which there is a lot), and i want to lose weight (when i say how much, people yell at me), but i don't want to go through the processes of doing these things. i want to be instantly clean and skinny without working at it. i mean, i'm supposed to be perfect, after all. but then i get all confused, because part of my definition of perfect is the ability to accept and love oneself, but part of it is to be skinny and neat and blah blah. i want everyone to be happy regardless of whether she needs to lose thirty pounds or clean her house but i can't do it. i can't do the things that would make me "perfect," but i can't accept that i don't have to, either. *sigh* the trials of the insecure feminist. my two strongest impulses are in direct opposition. above all else i feel that i should have the right to be whoever i want to be, and do whatever i want to do ... but i can't let myself do anything at all.
now i'm more depressed than when i started.
if i could run when i got off work, it would be ok, but arlie says i can't run by the river after dark because he'd lay awake worrying. i don't believe him about the laying awake, but he's probably right about the other bit. if i wasn't such a freak about being looked at, i could just run on the street ... except the fact that right now just walking down the street would probably make me uncomfortable. stupid moods. stupid insecure. stupid stupidness.
today's stupid stupidness is brought to you by: thinking about the way i behaved a few years ago, with a nice guy who unfortunately doesn't speak to me any more. thinking about how that situation may or may not be similar to some things i may or may not be doing now. from there, extrapolating to how i am a terrible person. this is so lame! i was doing so well! it's been nice and sunny and i rode my bike and the birds and trees and river were happy and they smiled at me and i smiled and things were good. i was good. now i've gone and made myself stupid again.
but it's time to go home now. i think i will clean my apartment some more. maybe i'll pay the bills. maybe i'll think about how i want my tummy to go away. i seem to spend a lot of time trying to wish things away.

the way you treat her, what else can i do?
ha ha ha!
ha!
all my drama since probably october or so has been retroactively cleared of guilt! apparently, not only were suspicions about brian's california ex-girlfriend true, but suspicions about brian's california "she's just one of the guys" pal are also true!! (the "no, she's just one of the guys" conversation was oddly reminiscent of "no, she's like my sister, she's four years older" conversations of days of old, too.)
ah, life is great!
but i can stop feeling like such a bitch for all the things that have happened. i never thought they were very bad in the first place, and now (at least in comparison) i have nothing to worry about at all.
ha.

home, where my music's playin'
as usual, wil wheaton has the answers. this time, actually, it's his friend, who has finally answered my questions about the peace movement vs the troops, and whether it really has to be that way.
i am at my mom's house in portland, which is fun but tests my patience a little. i am going home today, and i'm very glad. i am worried about my frog, and i think i left food in the fridge that will have made it smelly, and i don't have the right size knitting needles with me so i am antsy to get home and start a new project.
last night i finished ender's game and i cried a lot. i didn't understand shelby & my sister's ranting and raving about this book but now i do. it is stuck in my head now and i can't get it out. i dreamed that i was part of a mission that saved the world by destroying another world, and even though i was the third person on the mission and i didn't really do anything, when i got back i was kidnapped. then the bad kidnapper man cut off my torso and my arms, and laid me out by the side of the road so i looked normal, and when i called 911 (with my severed arms?) they didn't come, even though i tried to explain that i was in four pieces and i needed help. i was very traumatized by being in four pieces, and also by the ambulance not coming, i was mostly upset about having destroyed a whole world.
i am tired of blogging. i might go it away. lately i feel that it assumes a great deal about the world being interested in me. i am not interested in me ... why should the world be?

i don't know a dream that's not been shattered or driven to its knees
hahaha re: me as a teetotaler. i went to rennie's monday, though i left early ... i am going to rennie's tonight 'cos my new katie-neighbor-co-worker-pal finished her big bad info hell project ... and i am probably going to rennie's friday night 'cos aaron will be back from florida. stupid people in warm sunny places ... gr.
this morning i tried to buy yarn for a big new project but it would have been $200+ for the yarn it wanted me to use. haha. yes, i really said two hundred. needless to say i am NOT spending two hundred dollars on yarn. that's excessive. why can't they make affordable hand-spun and -dyed yarn that's shipped from wales? jesus. some people.
and, i think i got in to mcgill! though unofficially. i was afraid i wouldn't hear from them before i had to tell unc whether i was coming there or not, so i emailed mcgill to ask if they knew when they'd notify me. the email i got back said they were recommending acceptance and i should get an official letter soon. that sounds like i got in, right?? yay!
damn, i had all kinds of things i was going to say and now i've completely forgotten them. oh well, i am sure they are not important anyway. and i'm getting kind of tired of this web page thing. or maybe i'm just still in my crisis of nothingness and conformity. tho' recently i have felt better about that. even when i am having a crisis of conformity i don't change my behavior, i just get depressed about it ... and this time i have gotten all kinds of unasked for input about how i am not stupid, so that helps.
and recently (since yesterday) i am mostly just VERY PISSED OFF, righteously (according to me and the rest of the world, i am sure), so have no time to dwell on trivial lauren-things like being depressed or not being able to buy $200 worth of yarn. the world can be a bad place, and i hate hate hate that there is nothing i can do about it but sit here and try to be helpful. but i guess that is the most important thing.

insecure ... whatcha gonna do?
it's amazing how sometimes life just gets MORE darned hilarious by the second, isn't it? out of nowhere, sometimes.
i'm at work again. i'm sure it seems like i work all the time; while this is partially true, it's also due to the fact that i only ever post when i'm at work. it's hard to not have internet, but i've been surviving better than i thought i would. the lack of cable is also a hardship. but i am so amazingly broke right now that i guess it's best. i did get my tax return, which is nice, so i will pay the bills, and then i will ... eat a lot of ramen, and not much else.
the other day i was kind of grumpy because i had had to get up really early and work first thing in the morning and then go to class early too, but as i was walking back to work in the rain, i noticed it was just the right kind of rain to make the millrace pretty. i love the circles when the drops fall on the water. even though i could faintly see a traffic cone underneath the water, and the gross algae was everywhere, it was nice. i wish the millrace were still cool like it used to be in the '20s, with canoes and willows ... anyway then i was less grumpy, after watching the rain.
also i forgot to say that one day a couple of weeks ago i saw some duckies asleep on the grass and they were so cute! they were just on the grass by the sidewalk on 12th by the sub shop on the way to roma. they had their beaks under their wings. i walked in a big circle around them quietly so i wouldn't scare them or wake them up. the boy duckie opened his eye and blinked at me, so i left. i didn't want them to have to get up. they were very nice and peaceful. that was a good day, too.
i am so close to being done with school! i can't believe it. this week is dead week, so i have to finish my tutorial for library class, and we have to tape the silly final for dutch class (it includes some dutch swear words, a conversation about chocolate sprinkles, and the words "green bean grower" and "wooden shoe maker"), but other than that, i'm essentially finished! it's a very strange feeling, actually. like ... i have nothing to do. no direction. nothing to think about. sebastian would say i never have anything to do, but that's not true. i do a lot of things. but now school is not one of them, and it always has been, so it's a little disorienting for it to suddenly be gone. i guess i'll just learn to knit really well. and probably try to find another job. and probably continue my trend of going out too much. though i have decided i am a teetotaler and though i may go out, i will not drink anymore ever. no, that's not realistic. i will not drink very much or very often.
i won $4 on a scratch-it today.

but i tell 'em i don't want no other baby but you
so, i guess i went on a date last night. this is weird to me 'cos i don't generally do that. go on dates, i mean. it was strange. also, he paid for everything, which displeases me greatly. i don't like to be paid for by anyone, particularly big things, which this was. then i argued politics with all his friends and i think i scared them. i can't figure out why it matters. i am having a crisis involving being me vs being quiet and having people like me. stupid crisis. stupid insecure.
it is almost time to close the desk, which makes me very happy. no one is around so i am listening to paul simon loudly. i tried to do the crossword but i think i committed several fatal errors. i didn't get anything done. i barely even got any knitting done -- only about three inches, all day! i've been too tired/lazy to pay much attention to it. mostly i sat around and read newsweek, which had a full page ad about why public transportation is good!, and the onion. have not done my library homework. we are going to have a pretend city council debate about internet filters in public libraries. we had to pick roles at random, and i get to be a mother of two who wants the library to have filters. i have never been good at arguing things i don't believe. this should be an adventure. i have to do some research about it for tomorrow.
the coast is the prettiest song ever. as shan will insist, southern cross is definitely at the top of the list, but "the coast" is just so ... i don't know. it makes me better, always. regardless of what kind of stupid crisis i am having at the time. even if i'm in a good mood it makes me better.
oo, time to go home! but i'll be back in ten hours ... i have to open tomorrow morning (seven o'clock), whee.

everybody had a good year, everybody had a hard time
today's quote means nothing except that i am currently listening to let it be. yay, beatles!
anyhoo, here's the news: finished my thesis. got into grad school. and defended my thesis. thought i killed my basil sprouts but may have revived them. did kill my chives, for some mysterious reason, though yougrowgirl.com might be able to tell me why. started a new knitting project, for reals. now i have two going. went to brushfire with andi and saw ellie there! which was a big surprise and very good. i love ellie! have been thinking about options for grad schools and options for this summer. i might go to portland for the summer if i can find a job. it also depends on where i go to school. if i go to NC, bill and shan will drive a u-haul across the country with me to get me there. brian is sad at me because i told him i am not even going to apply to san josé state. i don't want to pay $55 to apply to a school i know i'll get into but know i won't go to.
that's the recap. will try to post more often now that i have next to nothing to do.