lauren's

down on the ground
grump.
serious grump.
so, driving a u-haul to montreal would cost $4,700. bill said it would be expensive but i didn't think he meant it would almost be more than i make in a year. arlie says i should just buy furniture when i get there. but as of right now i don't even have money to buy furniture. i barely even have money to buy food. this is bad because i just got paid today, and i'm already broke.
and uw asked me if i was coming, and i told them only if they gave me $10,000 or more, and they said "well, would you come if we gave you $10,000?" but that doesn't mean they will. i hope so, because i am feeling that montreal is prohibitively expensive right now. and though i am also feeling that seattle is closer and therefore significantly less scary, and there is shan and shelby and it's close to pals in eugene and to mom and sister in portland, i am also feeling that if i don't go to montreal now, i will never go anywhere interesting ever. i mean, i love the pacific northwest, i want to live here, etc. etc., but i've never been to the east coast ever at all, so maybe i just think i want to live here? maybe i'll be stuck for the rest of my life in a place i only think i like, because i've never been anywhere else?
wah. i wish i knew what was going on. i think i'm going to cry.

elle dit toujours j'veux ça ça ça
today is plant day. i repotted the lemon verbena that i bought at saturday market, and i also planted my tomato upside down. i am very excited about that part. i really hope it works, tho' i realized (after the fact) that it will be a huge pain to move. i also planted some rosemary (again) and some thyme (also again. the last batch of everything either died or didn't grow. i think it was the bad window dirt.) then i also planted a garlic clove. and, not only are the chives not dead yet, my basil has sprouted! it is the cutest little tiny basils! and the bean i planted, just for fun, is growing big and tall, too. i don't know what to do with it now. yay green growing things!
that's all. must clean room. this week is closet week. everything from the closet that i don't actually need is going to go to goodwill. next week is book week. book week is very hard as i want to keep every book i have ever read, and many that i haven't. but i will take books to smith family. then the week after that will be paper week. i have a lot of extraneous papers. i will organize my school papers, and my knitting patterns (of which i just printed many -- yay for hc printing privileges) and my recipes. and i will recycle everything else. i don't know what week will come after paper week. i guess i'll have to see how paper week goes. it may turn out to be two weeks long.

already run me over
hahaha, misheard song lyrics! i love that page. for some reason i am incredibly amused by things like that and engrish.com (see especially incas and smorking) and wacky typos like on the headlines thing on jay leno, tho' i do not like jay leno. i like conan, and so i try to stay up to watch him, but i always fall asleep in the middle of jay leno. i think they should switch places so i can fall asleep in the middle of conan instead.
today is tangent day, because i actually haven't got anything to say, but i'm bored as usual. let's see, more non sequiturs ... i am really interested in having burrito boy for dinner but i think i am going to force myself to eat at the dining hall. today i ran for almost twice as long as normal. "normal" is not very long. katie has reminded me that ass reduction project is really robin's idea, because the ass expansion project that we all so enthusiastically participated in last winter was robin's idea. i seem to have developed a capacity to make enemies. i didn't know i was interesting enough to have enemies. i am going to see dar in may and i am very excited! also in may, we (students for choice) are going to have a panel discussion about religion and reproductive choice. i am really looking forward to it, actually. we are trying to find a muslim and a buddhist. should any of my four readers know any pro-choice muslim or buddhist religious leaders in the eugene area, please do let me know. uw did not give me an assistantship (the equivalent of a gtf position) so unless they tell me about lots of scholarships within the next couple of days, i am for sure not going there. i am, however, having a crisis of not-wanting-to-move-across-the-country right now, so seattle sounds nice, but i know i really should go to montreal 'cos i'd have fun ... i think ... right? maybe i'll just move in with my mom and get a crappy job. wah. scared.
ok, that is random laurenthoughtjumble for the day. now i am going to be a good person and go to the dining hall and eat big fat salad with kidney beans and garbonzo beans and pine nuts and balsamic vinegar.
today's blog is brought to you by the letter z. z is for zoo and zitella and ... other nice things. =)

these songs are true these days are ours these tears are free hey
why is the cross in the ballpark? what is it doing there? what does that mean? i don't understand. and is it "child, why deny that which is obvious," or is it "why deny the child who is obvious"? my life is full of mysteries.
a shocking new development: running has actually started to be enjoyable! and even to make me happy!! last time -- thursday -- my great blue heron pal was there again, in the exact same place. it must be a good place for frogs or small fishes or something. katie has started a new thing: the ass reduction project! ass reduction! ass reduction! belly reduction! hooray! thursday i ran a little farther than before, and i paused for less time before turning around to come back, and i did not think i was going to die. it was great!
today is full of exclamation marks, it seems. and it should be! life is good! yesterday i went to see the misanthrope at the robinson. it was a pretty good show. the set was cool. i don't know if i've ever seen/read it in english before. but i always like molière. then we went to pinball corey's house, where there were other math boys -- well, matt, who likes paul simon -- and many, many young girls with eye makeup. well, not young, necessarily, but younger than i am. except the one who ended up staying after all the littler ones took the very drunk one home. she was nice and twenty-two. i am used to being the youngest one at parties (because i mostly hang out with the math boys); it was kind of weird not to be. eric kept suggesting the remaining girl and i take our shirts off (though i admit i did have two dollars in my bra) and corey told me to kiss sebastian so he could take a picture. he also has a picture of two of the little girls kissing, and another of two of them taking their birth control pills at 11:30 at night with beer. it's unclear why.
the phone rings. must answer. more ... some other time.

let the morning time drop all its petals on me -- life, i love you!
i have nothing to say today except that i am full of happy-and-good-ness, for no reason. well yes, for reason. but i am trying to pretend that i don't have a reason, so that when the previously mentioned uprecedented niceness goes away, i will still be happy&good. i can't quite make myself believe that the niceness is not a trap to lull me into happy-and-good-ness, only to suddenly return to full ignoritude. (shan really liked that word when i used it earlier, and i like it too, so it's now in my vocabulary.) but, if it's not a trap, that's even better!
i am eating all the jelly beans. i wish there weren't a big bag of them sitting here. now there are only coffee, chocolate pudding, juicy pear, margarita, and peanut butter ones left, pretty much. i ate everything else. ugh.
the people at the yarn store are getting nicer to me. the first time i came in they all looked at me like i didn't belong, and they watched me the whole time i was there. then the next time she asked me what i was making and pointed out better needles for me. then yesterday, she was friendly and talky and said they could start a black market in fat needles. i guess a lot of people are using fat needles. anyway, i started making this great afghan. it's super soft yarn, and it's all kinds of fun colors, but i don't know if it'll turn out to be big enough. i'm making it narrower than the recipe calls for, but i also have less yarn. i guess i'll just knit until i run out of yarn.

half moon on night time sky
o, something is wrong with me and i have turned into a giant puddle of mush. it's the weirdest thing. but a week and a half of consistent (and unprecedented!) niceness, when i'm not used to it, could be expected to have that effect, i guess.
today when i went for a run i saw a great blue heron standing in the river fishing. it didn't move the whole time i watched it, which was sad -- i wanted to see it catch something. but it was so beautiful. i have always liked herons because sometimes if you pay attention you can see them in the mud at low tide as you cross the youngs bay bridge to warrenton, and also sometimes in the ditches by the side of the road on the way to the beach. so i was really excited to see one in the willamette.
i am linky today. my pal bill will prolly like that. they are even bill-y links! not billy links. things about cities and roads and bridges. bill-y.
and speaking of links, my wacky sister has gotten her own blog! hooray! i love my geeky little sea-star. as she would say, hahahaga!
and um. tonight i am going to see rabbit proof fence with bryon and i don't know who else. nothing else of interest. i am starting to like running. gasp! maybe it's the birds i get to see when i'm out by the river in the morning. or, maybe it's because now that i've gone three times in the past week, i don't feel like i'm going to die nearly so much.
grad school update: today was v. stressed because of not being able to find very many american banks interested in loaning to kids going to canada, or canadian banks interested in loaning to non-canadians. but then i found one that pre-approved me (whatever that means) even though i said i would need $16,000 a year. i guess i still have to apply but now i am not so stressed. because of work schedule i haven't been able to go into the financial aid office yet, but i'm going to go in tomorrow and see what else they can tell me. really, really, really want to go to mcgill. . .

but all i could ever do was fill my time with thoughts of you
can't think of why i wanted to post today. i'm sure there was something ...
i am trying to convince my sister to get a blog. i think she will come join the spinster sisterhood, too. most days at lunch time when she is in her computer place at school, i am online too, here at work, so we email back and forth like crazy emailing freaks. she is the best fourteen-year-old ever. even though she is almost fifteen. eek! how did that happen?
recently i have:

found seth again. (like finding jesus, except really nothing like that at all.)

been to see the oregon mozart players. that was fun. i learned that i like cellos most (which i suspected) and i remembered that i don't really like piano very much. i think it has to do with being at my crazy grandma's house when i was small. she always listened to piano music on the radio, so now it has negative connotations.

put off knitting olly's hat. am lazy. i started twice and had to take it out twice 'cos i screwed it up, so i got tired of starting over. i think i will work on it today.

gone running! woo! legs are sore now but it is good. and if i don't get lazy, i'm going to go tomorrow, too. 'cept i work at eight, and the whole production takes at least an hour because of hair washing, etc. and realistically, i am not going to get up at six thirty tomorrow morning. so. i guess that answers that question.
i'm so bored. it's really hard to get used to this non-school thing. i keep feeling like there's something else i should be doing, like i'm forgetting something really important ... then i remember it's because this is will be the longest i've gone without big scary homeworks since i was about four. i don't have anything to do anymore except knit and read orson scott card books and watch stupid tv shows. sigh. my life is so hard.
update on grad school things: mcgill can't give me any money, which is lame. unc can give me $18,000 worth of loans, but the total estimated expenses are $28,000 a year. uw's tuition is over $15,000, but mcgill's is only about $10,500 CANADIAN! including living expenses, the whole thing would be about $16,000 american. so basically tuition and living expenses at mcgill is barely more than just tuition at uw, and way less than everything at unc. the only problem is that i can't get government loans, so the interest rates on whatever i do get will be higher ... i'll have to figure out if it would be worth it. but i really really really want to go to canada, so i might do it even if it's a little more expensive. because, i mean, canada!

posted by lauren!  # 4:14 PM

if you want to write a song about the moon, then do it -- write a song about the moon
my kitchen is So Clean. i love it. except the rest of my house is so messy that now i just want to spend all my time in the kitchen, but there is nowhere to sit in the kitchen, and nothing to do there except cook and/or eat. but i will commence cleaning the rest of the house today. i am going to be super magic clean lauren!
i feel better today, tho' still grumpy. i watched a hard day's night and ate miso soup, both of which are things that make me happy and better. but now i am at work. i had to open, which means eight o'clock, which means i got out of bed at 7:55. so i haven't eaten, but i drank almost a whole jar of iced tea already.
last night i watched huit femmes at courtney's, and since then i have had pour ne pas vivre seul stuck in my head. it was a weird/funny/good movie, though.
i had written more, but blogger wasn't friendly this morning, and now i don't remember what it was. i'm sure it wasn't particularly interesting anyway.