lauren's

2003-06-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

in the morning after it rained
today it is cloudy and much colder than earlier this week and i am pleased.
i get to register for classes at uw soon. but they tell me what to take so it's not really that exciting.
i think i will be posting at the other page now that i've got it somewhat set up. please read and comment there. my comments are lonely.

2003-06-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

you're taking a gamble on a little sorrow
head hurts. can't think. why am i writing? oh yes: bill is impatient.
we made really good time on the way to seattle; we left just after 3 and got there at about 8:30. dropped eric off at shelby's, then sho and i went to shan's, where we sat around until ten, at which point we went downtown to marcus' martini heaven. they had a drink called san sebastian, but i did not get it; instead i got a scooter which was amaretto, brandy, and cream, and which was also very enjoyable. after that we went to the j&m, which was very loud, had girls dancing on the bar, cost $5, and made me scared for my life because all i could think about was what if there was an emergency? we would be trampled, or the roof would collapse on us, or something. but there were mirrors on the walls, hung at angles (as opposed to flat on the wall) which for some reason pleased me, and the dj was up in a cool pulpit-like thingie. except there were dancing girls on his stairs, so he wouldn't have been able to get out, either. after that we went down the street a little ways, and eric, shan, and kristen had gyros, and shelby and sho had bagel dogs, and i had a pretzel with mmmsalt. we went home after that, and shan and sho and i (why does everyone's name start with sh-?) talked about random things like the mark of the beast, which frightens shan, and the nature of evil, if it exists at all. we were up really late, and sho had to get up and move his car at eight; i felt bad, but since my car-moving skills are non-existent, i couldn't help him.
saturday we did the obligatory trip to pike place market. i was excited about all the fruit and vegetables. cherries! asparagus! artichokes! peaches! honey! yay! (yes, i know honey is neither a fruit nor a vegetable. but i like it a lot.) i am really looking forward to having a market every day, instead of just saturdays and not in the winter, like here. also we went to the fun store on the bottom with the comic books and toys and a lot of pictures of legolas, who, as everyone surely knows by now, is my boyfriend. i was particularly happy about that part. it was weird, though, because every other time i've been to that store, i have not paid attention to the comic book section, which is really a significant part of the store. this time, especially since we were with sho, i looked at a lot of things that he said i would like. (i have not gotten to the stage where i call them graphic novels. i always feel like that sounds more like it means porn than that it means comics.) anyway, we wandered around at the market, ate lunch, went to imax (saw mt. st. helens one and fishies one) and then went back to shan's to nap for a while. later we went to a party as moral support for kristen, but didn't stay very long because we were meeting nic and eric wagner (whose web page is boring) at a bar near shan's house called flowers. we stayed up too late again, this time talking about things like aphids, which apparently freaked sho out, but not as bad as the mark of the beast did to shan. we didn't talk about anything that freaked me out. then sunday morning we had brunch with shelby and then we took off.
on the way back, we stopped at fry's, where i got two new computer games on sho's recommendation, torment and arcanum. have been playing torment, but i think i messed up and left a place i can't get back to before i finished everything i was supposed to do. gr.
other than that, nothing much is going on. my life is boring. i am excited about the reappearance of grilled eggplant in my life, which occurred last night at sebastian's. apparently the math boys barbecue a lot. before i left i had to go to safeway and get my own eggplant, though it is not nearly as good cooked on the stove as it is on a barbecue. that's ok. eggplant is my friend. also, it's funny to say. eggplant eggplant eggplant!

2003-05-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not going to stop me from having fun
a thunderstorm woke me up early early this morning. it was good. angry weather made me feel better.
going to seattle this afternoon till sunday or so. excited but grumpy. but i will finish my sock and i will start new projects, and i will see shan and shebly. so that is good.

2003-05-27T21:11:00.000-07:00

when you open up your blue eyes
mm. area desk smells like a combination of wet carpet and sharpie marker. i know the marker smell is because i was using a sharpie, but i don't know why it smells like wet carpet. it's gross. fortunately, i get to leave soon. and i think i will go to burrito boy before going home. and since the Important Boy didn't call so i could tell him we were going to the bijou, i think i will take some movies home with me. amélie? fellowship of the ring? big fat greek wedding? prolly all of the above.
there is very little interesting news. i spent the weekend in reno, which makes me miserable (desert, boredom) but which also is fun because my great-great-great grandmother (i think) was married to the man (myron lake) who founded reno. it was too hot and i slept a lot 'cos there was nothing else to do. sunday i came back and then on monday i slept a lot 'cos there was nothing else to do here, either. today i worked at the liberry in the morning and then came to work, where i still am. i brought my own computer so i could download things and play with it and be happy about ethernet. also, have started to think about new layouts for the redesign i will do ... when i move to laurenisms.com!! yes, bill likes to keep tabs on me, and since he offered to host me and therefore make it free, i figured i might as well do it. so, now you can email me at anything you want at laurenisms.com, and it will find me! isn't that cool??

2003-05-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

falling flying tumbling
lauren:
sunburned. bored with work. frantically knitting to finish things with deadlines. excited about seattle. has ever-expanding borders of geekdom -- is now a comic book geek (thanks sho). had a fun weekend with shan and shebly and arlie also, is amazingly and irrationally happy.

2003-05-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

can i blow this small town

seattle.

2003-05-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

seems that i'm always thinking of you
am in portland this weekend to hang out with my sea-star while mom is in salt lake city. i got here last night (in time to watch the famous csi with her) and am staying through saturday afternoon. yay! tonight we are going to chez machin for dinner, i think, since mom left money for us. here there is a nice bunny, and a nice stella-dog who is sleeping curled up in a ball like a cat. there's also an amazingly annoying parrot, but she's not screaming right now, so she's easy to forget about.
haven't blogged much in a while 'cos i've been in a bad mood, but not the kind that it's easy to blog about ... the kind that i think would be impossible to play the vague-blog game with. just ... blah. kind of depressed. (but not of my own accord this time! ha! tho' i think that makes it worse.) in any case, i'm better now. not entirely well, but better than i was before. i think people often underestimate the magnitude of my insecurity, and then are surprised when i become miserable.
grad school update: uw gave me not the $10,000 i thought they might, but $28,500 out of an estimated $31,000 cost of attendance. it's mostly loans, though there is also work study. so now i have to decide between taking out $16,000 at almost 8% interest from a bank (which means unsubsidized and no deferred payments if my income is low) and taking out about $24,000 at about 4% interest when $14,000 of that is subsidized and payments are deferred if i don't make enough money.
oh, and, also i have to decide between living in seattle and living in montreal.
mom is mad at me for even considering uw; she says i would get a better job if i went to mcgill. but i want to live in the northwest, and i think it would be a lot easier to find a job in the area if i've gone to school here. at least, several people who should know have told me that. and i guess the information school at uw is pretty well-respected. also, travel expenses would be a lot higher if i lived in montreal.
i'm afraid if i choose seattle (which i think i want to do) i'll be doing it for the wrong reasons -- scared, lazy -- and not for the right reasons. i seem to have convinced myself that the harder thing to do is always the right thing to do. is that true?
in other news, though i guess there isn't much in my life other than grad school decisions: I AM KNITTING A SOCK. it is the coolest thing ever! i'm going to finish it today. i'm so excited. i'm also knitting a bag for katie and a fun hat that i keep having to start over. yesterday i gave my sister the incredibly huge hat that i made to match her scarf. she says she wants it even though it's huge. i haven't been running since ... last tuesday. i kept having to work really early, which is not conducive to running. also was depressed, and though i know exercise makes it better, i couldn't bring myself to even get dressed last weekend, much less go outside. i cleaned my room! i didn't do very well at closet week, but i filled up a big bag of books to take back, so i feel i have accomplished book week and i shall try closet week again now.
mm. want nutella. must go investigate cupboards.

2003-04-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

down on the ground
grump.
serious grump.
so, driving a u-haul to montreal would cost $4,700. bill said it would be expensive but i didn't think he meant it would almost be more than i make in a year. arlie says i should just buy furniture when i get there. but as of right now i don't even have money to buy furniture. i barely even have money to buy food. this is bad because i just got paid today, and i'm already broke.
and uw asked me if i was coming, and i told them only if they gave me $10,000 or more, and they said "well, would you come if we gave you $10,000?" but that doesn't mean they will. i hope so, because i am feeling that montreal is prohibitively expensive right now. and though i am also feeling that seattle is closer and therefore significantly less scary, and there is shan and shelby and it's close to pals in eugene and to mom and sister in portland, i am also feeling that if i don't go to montreal now, i will never go anywhere interesting ever. i mean, i love the pacific northwest, i want to live here, etc. etc., but i've never been to the east coast ever at all, so maybe i just think i want to live here? maybe i'll be stuck for the rest of my life in a place i only think i like, because i've never been anywhere else?
wah. i wish i knew what was going on. i think i'm going to cry.

2003-04-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

elle dit toujours j'veux ça ça ça
today is plant day. i repotted the lemon verbena that i bought at saturday market, and i also planted my tomato upside down. i am very excited about that part. i really hope it works, tho' i realized (after the fact) that it will be a huge pain to move. i also planted some rosemary (again) and some thyme (also again. the last batch of everything either died or didn't grow. i think it was the bad window dirt.) then i also planted a garlic clove. and, not only are the chives not dead yet, my basil has sprouted! it is the cutest little tiny basils! and the bean i planted, just for fun, is growing big and tall, too. i don't know what to do with it now. yay green growing things!
that's all. must clean room. this week is closet week. everything from the closet that i don't actually need is going to go to goodwill. next week is book week. book week is very hard as i want to keep every book i have ever read, and many that i haven't. but i will take books to smith family. then the week after that will be paper week. i have a lot of extraneous papers. i will organize my school papers, and my knitting patterns (of which i just printed many -- yay for hc printing privileges) and my recipes. and i will recycle everything else. i don't know what week will come after paper week. i guess i'll have to see how paper week goes. it may turn out to be two weeks long.

2003-04-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

already run me over
hahaha, misheard song lyrics! i love that page. for some reason i am incredibly amused by things like that and engrish.com (see especially incas and smorking) and wacky typos like on the headlines thing on jay leno, tho' i do not like jay leno. i like conan, and so i try to stay up to watch him, but i always fall asleep in the middle of jay leno. i think they should switch places so i can fall asleep in the middle of conan instead.
today is tangent day, because i actually haven't got anything to say, but i'm bored as usual. let's see, more non sequiturs ... i am really interested in having burrito boy for dinner but i think i am going to force myself to eat at the dining hall. today i ran for almost twice as long as normal. "normal" is not very long. katie has reminded me that ass reduction project is really robin's idea, because the ass expansion project that we all so enthusiastically participated in last winter was robin's idea. i seem to have developed a capacity to make enemies. i didn't know i was interesting enough to have enemies. i am going to see dar in may and i am very excited! also in may, we (students for choice) are going to have a panel discussion about religion and reproductive choice. i am really looking forward to it, actually. we are trying to find a muslim and a buddhist. should any of my four readers know any pro-choice muslim or buddhist religious leaders in the eugene area, please do let me know. uw did not give me an assistantship (the equivalent of a gtf position) so unless they tell me about lots of scholarships within the next couple of days, i am for sure not going there. i am, however, having a crisis of not-wanting-to-move-across-the-country right now, so seattle sounds nice, but i know i really should go to montreal 'cos i'd have fun ... i think ... right? maybe i'll just move in with my mom and get a crappy job. wah. scared.
ok, that is random laurenthoughtjumble for the day. now i am going to be a good person and go to the dining hall and eat big fat salad with kidney beans and garbonzo beans and pine nuts and balsamic vinegar.
today's blog is brought to you by the letter z. z is for zoo and zitella and ... other nice things. =)

2003-04-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

these songs are true these days are ours these tears are free hey
why is the cross in the ballpark? what is it doing there? what does that mean? i don't understand. and is it "child, why deny that which is obvious," or is it "why deny the child who is obvious"? my life is full of mysteries.
a shocking new development: running has actually started to be enjoyable! and even to make me happy!! last time -- thursday -- my great blue heron pal was there again, in the exact same place. it must be a good place for frogs or small fishes or something. katie has started a new thing: the ass reduction project! ass reduction! ass reduction! belly reduction! hooray! thursday i ran a little farther than before, and i paused for less time before turning around to come back, and i did not think i was going to die. it was great!
today is full of exclamation marks, it seems. and it should be! life is good! yesterday i went to see the misanthrope at the robinson. it was a pretty good show. the set was cool. i don't know if i've ever seen/read it in english before. but i always like molière. then we went to pinball corey's house, where there were other math boys -- well, matt, who likes paul simon -- and many, many young girls with eye makeup. well, not young, necessarily, but younger than i am. except the one who ended up staying after all the littler ones took the very drunk one home. she was nice and twenty-two. i am used to being the youngest one at parties (because i mostly hang out with the math boys); it was kind of weird not to be. eric kept suggesting the remaining girl and i take our shirts off (though i admit i did have two dollars in my bra) and corey told me to kiss sebastian so he could take a picture. he also has a picture of two of the little girls kissing, and another of two of them taking their birth control pills at 11:30 at night with beer. it's unclear why.
the phone rings. must answer. more ... some other time.

2003-04-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

let the morning time drop all its petals on me -- life, i love you!
i have nothing to say today except that i am full of happy-and-good-ness, for no reason. well yes, for reason. but i am trying to pretend that i don't have a reason, so that when the previously mentioned uprecedented niceness goes away, i will still be happy&good. i can't quite make myself believe that the niceness is not a trap to lull me into happy-and-good-ness, only to suddenly return to full ignoritude. (shan really liked that word when i used it earlier, and i like it too, so it's now in my vocabulary.) but, if it's not a trap, that's even better!
i am eating all the jelly beans. i wish there weren't a big bag of them sitting here. now there are only coffee, chocolate pudding, juicy pear, margarita, and peanut butter ones left, pretty much. i ate everything else. ugh.
the people at the yarn store are getting nicer to me. the first time i came in they all looked at me like i didn't belong, and they watched me the whole time i was there. then the next time she asked me what i was making and pointed out better needles for me. then yesterday, she was friendly and talky and said they could start a black market in fat needles. i guess a lot of people are using fat needles. anyway, i started making this great afghan. it's super soft yarn, and it's all kinds of fun colors, but i don't know if it'll turn out to be big enough. i'm making it narrower than the recipe calls for, but i also have less yarn. i guess i'll just knit until i run out of yarn.

2003-04-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

half moon on night time sky
o, something is wrong with me and i have turned into a giant puddle of mush. it's the weirdest thing. but a week and a half of consistent (and unprecedented!) niceness, when i'm not used to it, could be expected to have that effect, i guess.
today when i went for a run i saw a great blue heron standing in the river fishing. it didn't move the whole time i watched it, which was sad -- i wanted to see it catch something. but it was so beautiful. i have always liked herons because sometimes if you pay attention you can see them in the mud at low tide as you cross the youngs bay bridge to warrenton, and also sometimes in the ditches by the side of the road on the way to the beach. so i was really excited to see one in the willamette.
i am linky today. my pal bill will prolly like that. they are even bill-y links! not billy links. things about cities and roads and bridges. bill-y.
and speaking of links, my wacky sister has gotten her own blog! hooray! i love my geeky little sea-star. as she would say, hahahaga!
and um. tonight i am going to see rabbit proof fence with bryon and i don't know who else. nothing else of interest. i am starting to like running. gasp! maybe it's the birds i get to see when i'm out by the river in the morning. or, maybe it's because now that i've gone three times in the past week, i don't feel like i'm going to die nearly so much.
grad school update: today was v. stressed because of not being able to find very many american banks interested in loaning to kids going to canada, or canadian banks interested in loaning to non-canadians. but then i found one that pre-approved me (whatever that means) even though i said i would need $16,000 a year. i guess i still have to apply but now i am not so stressed. because of work schedule i haven't been able to go into the financial aid office yet, but i'm going to go in tomorrow and see what else they can tell me. really, really, really want to go to mcgill. . .

2003-04-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

but all i could ever do was fill my time with thoughts of you
can't think of why i wanted to post today. i'm sure there was something ...
i am trying to convince my sister to get a blog. i think she will come join the spinster sisterhood, too. most days at lunch time when she is in her computer place at school, i am online too, here at work, so we email back and forth like crazy emailing freaks. she is the best fourteen-year-old ever. even though she is almost fifteen. eek! how did that happen?
recently i have:

found seth again. (like finding jesus, except really nothing like that at all.)

been to see the oregon mozart players. that was fun. i learned that i like cellos most (which i suspected) and i remembered that i don't really like piano very much. i think it has to do with being at my crazy grandma's house when i was small. she always listened to piano music on the radio, so now it has negative connotations.

put off knitting olly's hat. am lazy. i started twice and had to take it out twice 'cos i screwed it up, so i got tired of starting over. i think i will work on it today.

gone running! woo! legs are sore now but it is good. and if i don't get lazy, i'm going to go tomorrow, too. 'cept i work at eight, and the whole production takes at least an hour because of hair washing, etc. and realistically, i am not going to get up at six thirty tomorrow morning. so. i guess that answers that question.
i'm so bored. it's really hard to get used to this non-school thing. i keep feeling like there's something else i should be doing, like i'm forgetting something really important ... then i remember it's because this is will be the longest i've gone without big scary homeworks since i was about four. i don't have anything to do anymore except knit and read orson scott card books and watch stupid tv shows. sigh. my life is so hard.
update on grad school things: mcgill can't give me any money, which is lame. unc can give me $18,000 worth of loans, but the total estimated expenses are $28,000 a year. uw's tuition is over $15,000, but mcgill's is only about $10,500 CANADIAN! including living expenses, the whole thing would be about $16,000 american. so basically tuition and living expenses at mcgill is barely more than just tuition at uw, and way less than everything at unc. the only problem is that i can't get government loans, so the interest rates on whatever i do get will be higher ... i'll have to figure out if it would be worth it. but i really really really want to go to canada, so i might do it even if it's a little more expensive. because, i mean, canada!

2003-04-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

if you want to write a song about the moon, then do it -- write a song about the moon
my kitchen is So Clean. i love it. except the rest of my house is so messy that now i just want to spend all my time in the kitchen, but there is nowhere to sit in the kitchen, and nothing to do there except cook and/or eat. but i will commence cleaning the rest of the house today. i am going to be super magic clean lauren!
i feel better today, tho' still grumpy. i watched a hard day's night and ate miso soup, both of which are things that make me happy and better. but now i am at work. i had to open, which means eight o'clock, which means i got out of bed at 7:55. so i haven't eaten, but i drank almost a whole jar of iced tea already.
last night i watched huit femmes at courtney's, and since then i have had pour ne pas vivre seul stuck in my head. it was a weird/funny/good movie, though.
i had written more, but blogger wasn't friendly this morning, and now i don't remember what it was. i'm sure it wasn't particularly interesting anyway.

2003-03-30T21:06:00.000-08:00

and i live in a world smaller than anyone's
ugh. i don't know what happened -- well, yes i do -- but in any case i have suddenly been overwhelmed with lauren-is-not-neat-or-smart-or-skinny-enoughness. i want my house to be clean, and i want to get rid of all my extraneous crap (of which there is a lot), and i want to lose weight (when i say how much, people yell at me), but i don't want to go through the processes of doing these things. i want to be instantly clean and skinny without working at it. i mean, i'm supposed to be perfect, after all. but then i get all confused, because part of my definition of perfect is the ability to accept and love oneself, but part of it is to be skinny and neat and blah blah. i want everyone to be happy regardless of whether she needs to lose thirty pounds or clean her house but i can't do it. i can't do the things that would make me "perfect," but i can't accept that i don't have to, either. *sigh* the trials of the insecure feminist. my two strongest impulses are in direct opposition. above all else i feel that i should have the right to be whoever i want to be, and do whatever i want to do ... but i can't let myself do anything at all.
now i'm more depressed than when i started.
if i could run when i got off work, it would be ok, but arlie says i can't run by the river after dark because he'd lay awake worrying. i don't believe him about the laying awake, but he's probably right about the other bit. if i wasn't such a freak about being looked at, i could just run on the street ... except the fact that right now just walking down the street would probably make me uncomfortable. stupid moods. stupid insecure. stupid stupidness.
today's stupid stupidness is brought to you by: thinking about the way i behaved a few years ago, with a nice guy who unfortunately doesn't speak to me any more. thinking about how that situation may or may not be similar to some things i may or may not be doing now. from there, extrapolating to how i am a terrible person. this is so lame! i was doing so well! it's been nice and sunny and i rode my bike and the birds and trees and river were happy and they smiled at me and i smiled and things were good. i was good. now i've gone and made myself stupid again.
but it's time to go home now. i think i will clean my apartment some more. maybe i'll pay the bills. maybe i'll think about how i want my tummy to go away. i seem to spend a lot of time trying to wish things away.

2003-03-27T16:49:00.000-08:00

the way you treat her, what else can i do?
ha ha ha!
ha!
all my drama since probably october or so has been retroactively cleared of guilt! apparently, not only were suspicions about brian's california ex-girlfriend true, but suspicions about brian's california "she's just one of the guys" pal are also true!! (the "no, she's just one of the guys" conversation was oddly reminiscent of "no, she's like my sister, she's four years older" conversations of days of old, too.)
ah, life is great!
but i can stop feeling like such a bitch for all the things that have happened. i never thought they were very bad in the first place, and now (at least in comparison) i have nothing to worry about at all.
ha.

2003-03-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

home, where my music's playin'
as usual, wil wheaton has the answers. this time, actually, it's his friend, who has finally answered my questions about the peace movement vs the troops, and whether it really has to be that way.
i am at my mom's house in portland, which is fun but tests my patience a little. i am going home today, and i'm very glad. i am worried about my frog, and i think i left food in the fridge that will have made it smelly, and i don't have the right size knitting needles with me so i am antsy to get home and start a new project.
last night i finished ender's game and i cried a lot. i didn't understand shelby & my sister's ranting and raving about this book but now i do. it is stuck in my head now and i can't get it out. i dreamed that i was part of a mission that saved the world by destroying another world, and even though i was the third person on the mission and i didn't really do anything, when i got back i was kidnapped. then the bad kidnapper man cut off my torso and my arms, and laid me out by the side of the road so i looked normal, and when i called 911 (with my severed arms?) they didn't come, even though i tried to explain that i was in four pieces and i needed help. i was very traumatized by being in four pieces, and also by the ambulance not coming, i was mostly upset about having destroyed a whole world.
i am tired of blogging. i might go it away. lately i feel that it assumes a great deal about the world being interested in me. i am not interested in me ... why should the world be?

2003-03-12T19:55:00.000-08:00

i don't know a dream that's not been shattered or driven to its knees
hahaha re: me as a teetotaler. i went to rennie's monday, though i left early ... i am going to rennie's tonight 'cos my new katie-neighbor-co-worker-pal finished her big bad info hell project ... and i am probably going to rennie's friday night 'cos aaron will be back from florida. stupid people in warm sunny places ... gr.
this morning i tried to buy yarn for a big new project but it would have been $200+ for the yarn it wanted me to use. haha. yes, i really said two hundred. needless to say i am NOT spending two hundred dollars on yarn. that's excessive. why can't they make affordable hand-spun and -dyed yarn that's shipped from wales? jesus. some people.
and, i think i got in to mcgill! though unofficially. i was afraid i wouldn't hear from them before i had to tell unc whether i was coming there or not, so i emailed mcgill to ask if they knew when they'd notify me. the email i got back said they were recommending acceptance and i should get an official letter soon. that sounds like i got in, right?? yay!
damn, i had all kinds of things i was going to say and now i've completely forgotten them. oh well, i am sure they are not important anyway. and i'm getting kind of tired of this web page thing. or maybe i'm just still in my crisis of nothingness and conformity. tho' recently i have felt better about that. even when i am having a crisis of conformity i don't change my behavior, i just get depressed about it ... and this time i have gotten all kinds of unasked for input about how i am not stupid, so that helps.
and recently (since yesterday) i am mostly just VERY PISSED OFF, righteously (according to me and the rest of the world, i am sure), so have no time to dwell on trivial lauren-things like being depressed or not being able to buy $200 worth of yarn. the world can be a bad place, and i hate hate hate that there is nothing i can do about it but sit here and try to be helpful. but i guess that is the most important thing.

2003-03-08T17:02:00.000-08:00

insecure ... whatcha gonna do?
it's amazing how sometimes life just gets MORE darned hilarious by the second, isn't it? out of nowhere, sometimes.
i'm at work again. i'm sure it seems like i work all the time; while this is partially true, it's also due to the fact that i only ever post when i'm at work. it's hard to not have internet, but i've been surviving better than i thought i would. the lack of cable is also a hardship. but i am so amazingly broke right now that i guess it's best. i did get my tax return, which is nice, so i will pay the bills, and then i will ... eat a lot of ramen, and not much else.
the other day i was kind of grumpy because i had had to get up really early and work first thing in the morning and then go to class early too, but as i was walking back to work in the rain, i noticed it was just the right kind of rain to make the millrace pretty. i love the circles when the drops fall on the water. even though i could faintly see a traffic cone underneath the water, and the gross algae was everywhere, it was nice. i wish the millrace were still cool like it used to be in the '20s, with canoes and willows ... anyway then i was less grumpy, after watching the rain.
also i forgot to say that one day a couple of weeks ago i saw some duckies asleep on the grass and they were so cute! they were just on the grass by the sidewalk on 12th by the sub shop on the way to roma. they had their beaks under their wings. i walked in a big circle around them quietly so i wouldn't scare them or wake them up. the boy duckie opened his eye and blinked at me, so i left. i didn't want them to have to get up. they were very nice and peaceful. that was a good day, too.
i am so close to being done with school! i can't believe it. this week is dead week, so i have to finish my tutorial for library class, and we have to tape the silly final for dutch class (it includes some dutch swear words, a conversation about chocolate sprinkles, and the words "green bean grower" and "wooden shoe maker"), but other than that, i'm essentially finished! it's a very strange feeling, actually. like ... i have nothing to do. no direction. nothing to think about. sebastian would say i never have anything to do, but that's not true. i do a lot of things. but now school is not one of them, and it always has been, so it's a little disorienting for it to suddenly be gone. i guess i'll just learn to knit really well. and probably try to find another job. and probably continue my trend of going out too much. though i have decided i am a teetotaler and though i may go out, i will not drink anymore ever. no, that's not realistic. i will not drink very much or very often.
i won $4 on a scratch-it today.

2003-03-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

but i tell 'em i don't want no other baby but you
so, i guess i went on a date last night. this is weird to me 'cos i don't generally do that. go on dates, i mean. it was strange. also, he paid for everything, which displeases me greatly. i don't like to be paid for by anyone, particularly big things, which this was. then i argued politics with all his friends and i think i scared them. i can't figure out why it matters. i am having a crisis involving being me vs being quiet and having people like me. stupid crisis. stupid insecure.
it is almost time to close the desk, which makes me very happy. no one is around so i am listening to paul simon loudly. i tried to do the crossword but i think i committed several fatal errors. i didn't get anything done. i barely even got any knitting done -- only about three inches, all day! i've been too tired/lazy to pay much attention to it. mostly i sat around and read newsweek, which had a full page ad about why public transportation is good!, and the onion. have not done my library homework. we are going to have a pretend city council debate about internet filters in public libraries. we had to pick roles at random, and i get to be a mother of two who wants the library to have filters. i have never been good at arguing things i don't believe. this should be an adventure. i have to do some research about it for tomorrow.
the coast is the prettiest song ever. as shan will insist, southern cross is definitely at the top of the list, but "the coast" is just so ... i don't know. it makes me better, always. regardless of what kind of stupid crisis i am having at the time. even if i'm in a good mood it makes me better.
oo, time to go home! but i'll be back in ten hours ... i have to open tomorrow morning (seven o'clock), whee.

2003-03-04T12:28:00.000-08:00

everybody had a good year, everybody had a hard time
today's quote means nothing except that i am currently listening to let it be. yay, beatles!
anyhoo, here's the news: finished my thesis. got into grad school. and defended my thesis. thought i killed my basil sprouts but may have revived them. did kill my chives, for some mysterious reason, though yougrowgirl.com might be able to tell me why. started a new knitting project, for reals. now i have two going. went to brushfire with andi and saw ellie there! which was a big surprise and very good. i love ellie! have been thinking about options for grad schools and options for this summer. i might go to portland for the summer if i can find a job. it also depends on where i go to school. if i go to NC, bill and shan will drive a u-haul across the country with me to get me there. brian is sad at me because i told him i am not even going to apply to san josé state. i don't want to pay $55 to apply to a school i know i'll get into but know i won't go to.
that's the recap. will try to post more often now that i have next to nothing to do.

2003-02-20T18:28:00.000-08:00

down to the riverside, take off our shoes and wash these sins away
my free will astrology horoscope for this week is great:
Many of us indulge frequently in the fantasy that our lives would be wonderful if only they were different from what they are. Here's a corollary to the curse: No matter what the current state of our relationship to love may be, we always imagine that it should be better. If we don't have a romantic partner, we think we should have one. If we do have a romantic partner, we wish he or she would change, or we wonder what it would be like to be with another partner. That's the bad news, Virgo. Here's the good news: In the coming days, I predict you will find a way to feel perfectly at peace with the way your love life actually is.
ha! maybe that's because i'm . . . um, never mind.

2003-02-18T12:59:00.000-08:00

all the money's gone, nowhere to go
i am afraid that the birth of the spinster sisterhood's blog will cause me to update here less frequently. i will try to do both, but since about half of the people who read this are also in the sisterhood, i think i'll be significantly less motivated to write here. but here is for cryptic whining more than the sisterhood is, i think.
that said, i have got nothing to cryptically whine about today! life is good. i have become aware that it is silly for me to freak out, and overreact, and push, and get weird, because really i know what the problem is, and freaking out only makes it worse in the long run. so i am happy and confident and practicing believing things (even considering lack of time) and i think this will make things less silly which will in turn make me more happy and confident. yay!
ok, no cryptic whining, but cryptic jubilation. and here comes the non-cryptic whining:
I HATE THESIS. hate hate hate hate. defense is two weeks from yesterday. hate hate hate HATE!!! gr. but i think i really might have it finished by next monday, when i need to turn in my final draft to my advisors. and i also think i might let people come to the defense, even though i don't want anyone there at all, including my advisors. so anyway email me i guess if you are terribly interested and i'll tell you where it is.
oh, i found the cutest blog!! rawr: lionblog! unfortunately she does not seem to have an email address so i cannot tell her how exciting and fun her lionblog is, or how exciting and fun it is that she wants to be a librarian too! (at least, i am assuming it is a girl. it writes like i do, so it must be a girl.)
thought for today: happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun.

2003-02-15T18:43:00.000-08:00

you delight me
my chives are sprouting!! i am so excited!
also, look what katie and i did today: the spinster sisterhood has a blog!
that is all. now i must go talk about vaginas.